| ::Entry Nineteen + Never Again:: |
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| 11:09pm 13/07/2003 |
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mood:  crappy music: Taking Back Sunday- "You're so last summer"
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::sigh:: what a night... Sitting at my desk listening to Taking Back Sunday... blah... I am in a weird mood... quite upsetting. Bleh... I wish jenn would just come home already... I'm on Jenn-withdrawl... ::sigh:: i think friday I am leaving for cleveland. Whoop! That's great... okay so today sucked. basically... ::sigh:: whatever. I want to get out of here sooo bad man! :::sigh::: Goodnight...
+ Damaged + Vacancy +
::Maybe I should hate you for this:: |
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| ::Entry Eighteen ¤ You Mean So Much To Me:: |
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| 05:37pm 13/07/2003 |
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mood: crappy music: Brand New- "Last Chance to Lose Your Keys"
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I am sitting here at the computer, bored, upset, and confused. Jenn is gone still... yeh, she isn't coming back for a while. Last night Laura ditched me... wow... this sucks. Why? I don't know why she didn't come over... She picked a friend at work over me.. am I really this bad of a person? ::Sigh:: Sorry I'm not "cool"... ::Whatever::
Today I went to my grandmother's with my doofy, but funny sister and annoying mom... My grandmother has such a kick ass pool... I went swimming and yeh. I am getting more sick and yeh... Dude, I have freaking ink on my damn mesh hat... wtf?! It sucks so bad... I'm going to put bleach on the spot though so it'll still be white... heh... >>DORK<< ...
This new book that I am writing is coming along great. Right now I'm listening to B.N. ::AH!:: For some odd reason, my sister and I broke out into Blink 182... AH ::kills pop punk:: Heh... what a day... I am going stir-crazy and sad... Ugh, whatever... Everything is wrong... this is wrong... I am wrong... Whatever... FUCK THIS!
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::This isn't high school:: |
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| ::Entry Sixteen ¤ Sick of Tired of This:: |
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| 02:40pm 12/07/2003 |
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mood:  determined music: Brand New- "Logan to Goverment Center
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Aren't you sick and tired of all this propaganda? This commercialism? All this government backup, and rules and laws? I am an Anti-Commercialist. Reading this book, "The Gospel According to Larry" has opened my eyes, and has made me realize how ad's and propaganda... It's all the same. I want stickers and button that say "NO MORE STUFF!", "STOP SELLING US CRAP!", "THIS AD INSULTS ME!"... This shows how much people are becoming "anti-stuff".. Okay, so maybe you all are fine with the market, and you all are fine with commercialism and propaganda... But don't you just hate it sometimes? You probably don't even understand what I am trying to say.
::Sermon #213 from "The Gospel According to Larry"::
Ever tried to jump off the consumer carousel and spend some time alone?
Not just alone, but alone in Nature- no commercials, no visual distractions, but the birds and trees.
I've been dipping into my Thoreau again- "For every walk is a sort of crusade." That's me,
walking in the woods for hours, crusading for the cause, peeling back the layers of STUFF,
And letting only the silence seep in.
Nothing to buy out here, nothing to sell. Nothing to throw away, nothing to think about.
In my seclusion, my "real-life" seems self-indulgent and superficial.
Gossip, chatter, role-playing-- our daily lived are the longest-running play in off-Broadway History!
We just don't know it.
Is it a waste of time to watch a starling for an hour? To lie on a bed of moss and gaze
at the stars? My man Thoreau also said, "He who sits still in a house all the time may
be the greatest vagrant of all."
We are meant to be a l o n e in Nature--
The word l o n e l y never comes up.
^ Such a true statement. ^
As to where the author got an idea for anti-commecialism, I have no idea... But I really enjoy it. I mean, read the sermon again. If you think about it, we are too into everything that these ad's on TV, Billboards, magazines, posters... We are too into what they are "showing-off" and trying to sell, that we never spend any time to ourselves anymore. In this book, the character spends three days out in the woods... That is what SERMON #213 is about. He is leaving the commercial world for three days to see what it is like... I mean, think about it.... You have money, food, you live off corporate businesses around you, and so on... Other kids in this world survive on under $2.oo a day... Think about that... It's another good point the author brings up in this book. You probably still don't understand what I am saying.
You are probably reading this and saying to yourself, "Oh what a hypocrite! You have looked at ad's and bought what they are selling!" Yes, I have... I must admit this... But who hasn't?! I realize that I've done this... And now I look back on it, and say, wow how stupid... I feel so regrettful... Because I thought about other people who live under $2.oo a day... when you grow up you get to realize how much greed really pays for... I mean, I am only fourteen years old, and teenagers have a niche to shop and spend money... But just take a break for a second, and think about the world. Reading this book has really opened my eyes, and showed me how much I hate corporate Ad's... Because they lie about their product... Sometimes when you buy the product, it doesn't even work as well as the ad intends, while it stretches the truth. For instance, all the ad's you see on smoking... they are just screaming, "BUY THIS AND YOU WILL DIE IN SO AND SO MANY YEARS! THANKYOU!" The sellers are happy to say that it's caused people to die from lung cancer... I say, "NICE JOB DICKFACE!", in my sarcastic tone. Some ad's now, with "Sexy-Looking-People" in the commercial, or in the magazine... it's all a big joke... a fucking hoax... a non-realistic vision. Fuck commercialism!
Anti-Commercialism
I would love to hear some other input... Feel free to comment me.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::You wouldn't get me on the phone:: |
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| ::Entry Fifteen ¤ Home on a Saturday Night:: |
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| 12:41pm 12/07/2003 |
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mood:  creative music: Brand New- "Logan to Government Center"
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¤ July 12, 2003 ¤
At this moment, I am quite tired. I got to bed last night around 2:oo a.m and woke up around 9:oo... This therefore, is not a good thing... I got seven hours of sleep, but all night, I was having dreams... good, bad, ugly, perfect... Fantasies were flying through my head... Wind blew through my room all night as I had my window cracked. This could be why I'm quite sick. Today is Saturday, and this song is perfect for it. "Home on a Saturday Night, with all my doors locked up tight. I wont be thinking about you baby..." But yet, I will be thinking about that person... yeh. I am indulging myself in another book... It's called "The Gospel According to Larry." No, it isn't a religious book, even though the title may make it seem that way... But then again, since when were things always what they seemed? Oh yeh... That's right... They aren't.
Today is just going ot be the Saturday from hell... Nothing going on. Jenn is gone. Laura is working... wow, disadvantage of having no friends what so ever... ::sigh:: 16 days until she comes home... then we can leave for North Carolina... Turns out, this situation took a turn for the best, and she is now coming along with me on this trip... I am very excited about this and cannot wait. I am also excited about going to Ohio this friday... I cannot wait until I walk into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and see the beautiful displays of bands who know how to rawk \m/ I am sorry if I am sounding stupid or "cheesy" for this reason... Stating that bands know how to rawk... But I am only saying a fact... Nothing new... Nothing different... Nothing you or I haven't heard before.
As if there was a day where something interesting or fun actually came about... As if there was a day where everything happened and turned out perfectly... nothing went wrong... Nothing at all... Wow, what a dream... There are no days where anything happens perfectly... or you meet that someone... No days... Nothing... It's all a hoax to get people to be happy... I can't see how people believe this. Goodbye.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::One more night on the verge of tears:: |
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| ::Entry Fourteen ¤ If That's What You Mean:: |
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| 12:20am 12/07/2003 |
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mood:  apathetic music: Trapt- "Enigma"
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At this point in time, I am feeling very apathetic, whatever that means. My life just seems wrong... and confusing... Because it is. I confuse myself, and the others around me. I don't love it when people pity me because they feel bad for me... or they feel sorry for me, for this matter. For this reason, please don't give me empathy... It's not party time for me anyway. It's somewhat close to the time called... Bed... Where I sleep, and get rid of my pain. Ah fuck it... Jenn I miss you... Justin I miss you too... Bryan Justin, where are you? heh... Goodnight everyone.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::When all is said and done:: |
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| ::Entry Thirteen ¤ Yes I Still Taste You:: |
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| 08:37am 11/07/2003 |
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mood:  cold music: Brand New- "Last Chance to Lose Your Keys"
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¤ July 11, 2003 ¤
What a day... I had a lot to do at work today... For this reason, I am tired... I thought all day about a bunch of stuff that is going on. My sister is gone and so is my mom... At this moment, I am bored and thinking about very random things... Which I wish would disappear... Soon I will be upset, and crying... I am already upset. ::Heal Me::
Jenn is gone... and I am bored and sad for this reason. I am in-counting the days until she arrives home. ::Save Me:: I wonder what she is doing? Ah yes, driving inside the car to arrive in Florida any time soon tomorrow. My writing is coming alone well. This book that I am working on is splendid and has a very appealing story-line... I hope someone reads it and says "What wonderful work." I would feel so proud of myself for once... I would feel as if I finally succeeded at something. After work today, I went out and bought the Brand New Cd... very good work. I can feel my insides and outsides changing... I am not quite sure if this is a good or bad thing?! I am quite confused about myself now.. I do not know who I am... Ah yes, I know who I am... That sad and confused little girl on medicine... ::Sigh:: I will be gone for now...
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::Home on a Saturday night, with all my doors locked up tight. I won't be thinking about you baby:: |
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| ::Entry Twelve ¤ What say we go and crash your car?:: |
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| 10:26pm 10/07/2003 |
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mood:  confused music: Brand New- "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad"
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It's 1o:2o p.m. I'm sitting listening to B.N and reading a book. I am working on writing one two... It is very upsetting, but very wonderful. Jenn has left me today. She will not be coming home until the 28th of July... I am Jenn-Less for 18 days... Do you understand how bored I am going to be?! I am going to be stir-crazy. A disadvantage of having one or two friends... When they aren't around, you just want to die. So Justin is still gone... I have no idea when he is coming back... but yeh. If this one kid doesn't leave me alone, I'm seriously going to try to kill him... Don't ask who I am talking about. Today my sister was looking at places so she can move out... I feel so a l o n e ... This can't be happening. She's leaving, and I won't see her very much anymore. My life is going to be boring and upsetting. Right now I feel so a l o n e . . . Tonight I took a pill, and didn't have much of a weird mood. I don't know... Now I'm just twisting and turning... Quite confused on myself. Do they hate me for my confusion? My back still hurts, and is in very bad pain... I must leave this place for now... Goodnight....
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::Never gonna get it right:: |
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| ::Entry Eleven ¤ Reading:: |
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| 02:04pm 10/07/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished music: Brand New- "Failure By Design"
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I'm killing myself in books. Justin went to some convention and I really have no one to talk to. I just finished reading an amazing book called "You Don't Know Me." I love it. It's my favorite... I've decided what I want, and how I'm going to start this new life that I've wanted for a while now. Last night I took my pill, and again, I was in a weird, sad, upset mood thing... Yeh. Another addition to my new life is that I'm going to start dressing differently... Not preppy, not punky, but EMO. It's in between "punk" and "prep". I'm not going to label my self as a generic label such as prep or punk or goth or whatever... It's just stupid and old now. Now I'm going to start another book. So I'll talk to you all later.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::What say we go and crash your car?:: |
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| ::Entry Ten ¤ Tears:: |
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| 08:38pm 08/07/2003 |
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mood: crappy music: The silence of my own cries...
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I'm just going to drown in music, and leave the wrath of the world. The wrath of the world that wants me to leave. No one wants me anymore... I've noticed how people just want to push me away... they want me to leave them alone... I'm just trying to fight battles that I'm going to lose. Battles that I can't win. I'm just getting beat... In the end, I'm just going to finally end the game called "life"... and then, the world will know that it beat me. My moods are going EVERYWHERE, and I'm sick of it. One minute I'm happy, the next I'm sad, the next I'm bitchy... and ugh, I can't take it anymore. Bleeeeeh! Tonight is going to suck... then, there's some stupid teen party going on next door... great, kids getting drunk and annoying all night... wow, what a great time ::rolls eyes::... see?! Now, I'm just total bitchy~ness right now... and the fact that Laura couldn't come over tonight pisses me off too... blah! Music makes me cry.
¤ Reading those old letters you wrote me, they make me cry... ¤ -Me.
I actually feel inspired to write a song... I haven't written in a while, because lately I have had no inspiration... But I'm so sad... why can't I pull out my pain through writing?!.. I can't anymore... I'm losing everything. Concentration, motivation, inspiration... and love. Somehow, losing love is my fault... Yeh... It's my fault. Blame me... ::Points at self:: right here man... yeh... me.
Man, do I already need to start OD'ing on meds or something?! I mean... I'm in such an emotional roller coaster...really... It's bad... and I'm sad... and upset... and everything feels wrong... I feel wrong... This feels wrong...
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤ |
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| ::Entry Nine ¤ Failure:: |
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| 08:27pm 08/07/2003 |
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mood:  blah music: B.N- "Failure By Design"
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Heh... I lost again... Wow, I'm so used to this... ::Sigh::
"Watch you on the one's and two's,
Through a window in a well lit room.
Become a recluse,
And I blame myself,
'Cos I make things hard,
and you're just trying to help.
And when I wake up you're the first to call.
This is one more late night basement song.
And I'm so sore,
My voice has gone to hell.
And this is one more sleepless night because we...
Don't believe in filler,
Baby, if I could I'd sit this out.
(This is over when I say it's over.)
This is a lesson in procrastination.
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated.
Every single second that I put it off,
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock.
(I ignore it and it ignores me too.)
What say we go crash you car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door,
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder.
I'm another day late and one year older.
It's failure by design.
And we just want sleep,
But this night is hell.
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself,
'Cos I make things hard,
and you're just trying to help.
I got no gas,
I'm winding out my gears.
This is one more day on the verge of tears.
And now my head hurts,
My health is a joke.
And now I got to stop because the headphones broke.
We don't believe in filler,
Baby, if I could I'd sit this out.
(This is over when I say it's over.)
This is a lesson in procrastination.
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated.
Every single second that I put it off,
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock.
(I ignore it and it ignores me too.)
What say we go crash you car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door,
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder.
I'm another day late and one year old.
It's failure by design.
I'm out of everything.
But no one sleeps till we get this shit out on the shelves.
It's late, I'm faltering.
But this time I got nothing to say besides:
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Baby, I'm better than this.
This is a lesson in procrastination.
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated.
Every single second that I put it off,
Means another lonely night I got to race the clock.
(I ignore it and it ignores me too.)
What say we go crash you car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door,
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder.
I'm another day late and one year old.
I'm a failure by design."
¤ B.N ¤ "Failure By Design" ¤
Goodbye to you...
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::This is one more day on the verge of tears:: |
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| ::Entry Eight ¤ We Don't Believe in Filler Baby:: |
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| 07:23pm 08/07/2003 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Brand New- "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad."
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Well hey... Haven't written in a few days... So yeh... Today I went to the psych... Yeh... I am on meds... greaaaaaat. So now I'm sure you all think I'm some psycho.. hey, whatever... So yeh. Guess what?! I am going to CLEAVLAND!!! yes! I am going to the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME! I am so damn excited man! Right now I am listening to B.N. They fucking rawk man \m/ Last night, I Had the awesomest conversation with Adam... heh, I love ya adam! You freaking rawk \m/. So yeh. I am very tired, because lately I haven't been getting any good sleep... at all</b>... ::Sigh:: yeh... ::DON'T THINK::
Justin and I talked the other day... Love you man. You're amazing. Justin's great. Maybe we'll hang out one time or something.. ::sigh:: yeh.
I really want to go to a concert. Really bad. I want to see B.N... wow, this would be amazing. ::tears:: this song is making me cry. So the psych told me I was depressed... wow, like I couldn't figure this out myself... but yeh, it was alright I guess. She just asked me a million questions in a time-span of 15 minutes, and yeh... gave me a perscription.
::Tears:: l o n e l y . . .
I'm bored... and sad... wow. I think Laura's coming over tonight. I love Laura... She's an awesome friend! I always have fun with her ^_^ ::Luff Bugs:: heh!
So today was the first day that my dad saw my masking-tapped glasses... He yelled "DID YOU BREAK YOUR GLASSES!" heh, second person that got all hussy about it... My mom was nervous too about me breaking my glasses... I DIDN'T BREAK THEM DAMMNIT! heh... Oh well, whatever!
>>BiG DoRk<<
"This is a lesson on procrastination, I kill myself because I'm so frustrated. And every single second that I put it off, means another lonely night I gotta race the clock. What say we go and crash your car? And everytime I leave you go an lock the door. And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder, I'm another day late and one year older, it's failure by design..." < B.N \m/
::Mesh hat!::
Man, today I had another shitty encounter with that kid... ugh ::Kills Him:: Seriously... I want to Kill him. Whatever dude!i!i!i!
Man, I'm getting out of here... see ya later.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
"Tell all the English boys you meet, about the american boy back in the states. The american boy you used to date, who would do anything you say..." |
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| ::Entry Seven ¤ We've Had Enough:: |
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| 09:22pm 06/07/2003 |
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mood:  blank music: Alkaline Trio- "We've Had Enough"
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Hello Again... I spent part of the evening watching Gilmore Girls with my sister, and then her boyfriend Chris came over with Chinese food. That was alright... ::Sick of being lonely:: Yeh, lies hurt... and the truth comes out! Wow... the truth hurts too. Life is a bitch... ::sigh::
Nights are cold,
Days get hotter,
My mind is overrun,
By old memories of you.
I'm so BoReD and DePrEsSeD and LoNeLy. Blah... It's all just a waste... A complete waste. No use in trying for anything... when all I do is ruin it, or completely fail. "The memories of you and I scrape against my mind like nails on a chalkboard... A never ending scrape that drives me insane." -Me
Ugh... I'm tired, and this heat sucks man! ::Kills the sun:: The heat brings me down... ::Screams::
I finally figured out that liquid eye-liner stuff-thing... HeH. Well... it sounds like we're about to get another storm... Talk to you later.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::I said we've had enough, please turn that fucking radio off:: |
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| ::Entry six ¤ Thanks for Lying to me:: |
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| 05:05pm 06/07/2003 |
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mood: depressed music: Best Interest- "First Impression"
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I took this from Kristin's (destroymebaby) livejournal... see ya.
Kristin is great... and just talking to her and getting to know her, we just seem to be alike... I love ya babe! you're a great person!
001) What time are you starting this?: 4:34 p.m
002) Name?: Kate
003) Date of birth?: December 14, 1988
004) Sex?: Female
005) Height?: 5'1"
006) Eye color?: Brown
007) Weight?: I don't know..
008) Location?: Shithole Maryland
009) Where were you born?: Baltimoe
010) Have you ever failed a grade?: Not that I know of.
011) If you have, what grade did you fail?: Read question # 10.
012) Do you have crush on someone?: Yeh...
013) Do you have a bf/gf?: I wish... ::tears::
014) If so, what is their name?: Screw the fuck off!
015) How long have you been together?: STOP ASKING ME! ::tears::
016) What are you wearing right now?: Boxer shorts and a wife-beater thing.
017) Would you have sex before marriage?: I don't know!
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: No!
019) Are you a virgin?: Yeh.
020) Do you smoke?: Hell no.
021) Do you drink?: I taste... not drink.
022) Are you ghetto?: Ghetto?! What the fuck?
023) Are you a player?: Is this some stupid "ghetto" term?! I play DDR... does that make me a DDR PLAYER?
024) What are your favorite colors?: Black, red, and Pink. Sometimes Orange.
025) What is your favorite animal?: Dragon!
026) Do you have any birthmarks?: Yeh I do.
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked?: Umm...
028) Who are your best friends?: Jenn.H, Laura.S, and Bobby.W.
029) Have you ever beat someone up?: Umm...
030) Who do you talk to most on the phone?: Jenn or Laura.
031) Have you ever been slapped?: Yeh
032) Do you get online a lot?: Yeh
033) Are you shy or outgoing?: Both.
034) Do you shower?: Of course.
035) Do you hate school?: Yeh.
036) Do you have a social life?: No... I'm a LoSeR!
037) How easily do you trust people?: Not easily..
038) Have you ever lied to your bestfriends?: Not really.
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?: Yeh... quite a few.
040) Would you ever sky dive?: Don't ask me this... it brings back memories... Zak and I want to sky dive one day... And well... ::Tears:: forget it...:(
041) Do you like to dance?: DDR.
068) Have you ever been out of state?: Yeh... when I was 7?
069) Do you like to travel?: Yeh.
070) Have you ever been expelled from school?: No
071) Have you ever been suspended from school?: No
071) Do you want to get out of your hometown?: Oh my, yes I need to get out of here.
072) Are you spoiled?: No way.
073) Are you a brat?: No.
074) Have you ever been dumped?: ::Tears:: yes.
075) Have you ever gotten high?: Oh my gosh no.
076) What's your favorite drink?: Water or Diet Vanilla Coke.
077) Do you like Snapple?: I don't really know...
078) Do you drink a lot of water?: Yes! (Read question 076).
079) What toothpaste do you use?: Whatever my madre buys.
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager?: No.
081) Do you have a curfew?: I don't have a life, so I don't need a curfew.
082) Who do you look up to?: Influences.
083) Are you a role model?: Haha, probably NOT.
084) Have you ever been to Six Flags?: Yeh... I think.
085) What name brand do you wear the most?: Does it matter?! I do like VANS, DC, ETNIES, and DICKIES.
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear?: Rubber Bracelets
087) What do you have pierced?: Ears
088) What do you want pierced?: LIP!
089) Do you like taking pictures?: It's one of my favorite hobbies.
090) Do you like getting your picture taken?: Sometimes.
091) Do you have a tan?: Kind of?
092) Do you get annoyed easily?: Sometimes yeh.
093) Have you ever started a rumor?: No..
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line?: heh, no.
095) Do you have your own pool?: Yeh!
096) Do you have any siblings?: One.
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? BoXoRs!
098) Have you ever been played?: Probably...
099) Have you ever played anyone?: Oh gosh no!
100) Do you get along with your parents?: Once in a while.
102) How do you vent your anger?: Cry, write, and something else... :(
103) Have you ever run away?: "I want to runaway and never say goodbye..."
104) Have you ever been fired from a job?: No.
105) Do you even have a job?: Yeh.
106) Do you daydream a lot?: Yeh...
107) Do you have a lot of exes?: Not really.
108) Do you run your mouth?: No.
109) What do you want a tattoo of?: A heart with a knife in it...
110) What do you have a tattoo of?: I don't have one :(
111) What are your favorite flowers: The ones he gave me that one day.
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like?: He is beautiful...
113) What does your most recent crush look like?: He's beautiful...
114) Have you ever been bitched out?: Yeh... A lot.
115) When was the last time you bitched someone out?: I don't know?
116) Are you rude?: Once in a while :(
117) What was the last compliment you received?: "You're so beautiful!" and then I replied "Stop lying."
118) Do you like getting dirty?: Dirty? Um... I sweat when I play DDR! But who doesn't?!
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?: innie.
120) Are you flexible?: Sometimes?
121) What is your heritage?: German, Cuban, white?
122) What is your lucky number?: 14.
123) What does your hair look like right now?: Wet and up from swimming.
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian?: I wish I was.
125) When was your last real heartbreak?: 4 months ago... in March :( ::Tears::
126) Describe your looks?: I'm short and EmO.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color?: Black with pink highlights man!
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you?: I don't know... if he was only by a year.
129) Would you ever date someone older than you?: Well... I'm 14, so if he was like... 15 or 16... yeh.
130) When was the last time you were drunk?: I already told you... I just taste things.
131) When was the last time you went on a date?: 4 months ago... in March :( ::Misses him::
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex?: Oh my gosh, stop right there.
133) Have you ever given?: NO!
134) Have you ever received?: NO!
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder?: No...
136) Do you have one now?: No...
137) How many rings until you answer the phone?: I usually don't answer the phone anymore...
138) Have you ever been skinnydipping?: Not exactly.
139) If yes, when was the last time?: I said Not exactly.
140) Do you look more like your mother or father?: Dad.
141) Do you cry a lot?: Everyday, Every hour...
142) Do you ever cry to get your way?: No!
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be?: My Arm.
144) What phrase do you use most when on the phone?: Dude?
145) Are you the romantic type?: Hopeless Romantic, that's me.
146) Have you ever been chased by cops?: Not yet anyway heh.
147) What do you like most about your body?: My lips.
148) What do you like least about your body?: All of me.
149) Who did you last hook up with?: Hook up as in "boifriend/girlfriend"?!
150) When was the last time you threw up?: I have no idea.
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes?: Brunette!
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like?: Black and white vans with RAINBOW shoelaces!
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly?: No!
154) What about cleavage?: No!
155) Is your best friend a virgin?: Yeh.. Atleast she tells me she is... Jenn.H- gotta love ya!
156) Have you ever fucked someone up?: What?
157) Have you ever been fucked up?: What?
158) What color are your underwear right now?: Black.
159) What theme does your room have?: "Kate's Room?"
160) What size shoe do you wear?: 6.
161) What jewelry are you wearing now?: My rubber braclets.
162) What is your screen name on AIM?: TraptInsideOfMe
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public?: I don't know?!
164) How are you feeling right now?: Very sad, upset, and l o n e l y . . .
165) When was the last time you were at a party?: I don't know!
166) Have you ever given a lapdance?: No!
167) What do you sleep in?: Boxers and shirts.
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?: Probably... by those stupid girls in "clicks" or whatever.. ::kills::
169) What is one of your bad qualities?: I'm a bad person...
170) What is one of your good qualities?: I don't even think there's a good quality in myself.
171) Would you marry for money?: No.
172) What do you drive?: I'm not old enough to drive.
173) Have you ever given or received roadhead?: Roadhead?! >>excuse my stupidity<< WHAT THE HELL IS ROADHEAD?!
174) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child?: Neither... I'm secluded from my family.
175) What does your lj username mean?: ::sigh:: Don't worry about it.
176) What's your favorite lj to read?: I have no idea.
177) When was the last time you cried in school?: The last day because I would never see him again... :(
178) Do you wear Chucks?: I want to buy a pair.
179) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy?: two million dollars?! Probably not. I don't need money to make me happy.
180) What time are you finishing this?: 4:54 p.m
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::I didn't think there was anybody out there for me but that all changed, the moment I met you:: |
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| ::Entry Five ¤ Looking at Stars Alone:: |
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| 12:20pm 06/07/2003 |
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mood: lonely music: Best Interest- "Piece of my Heart"
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I want to start a Brand New life... I want to find someone that I can lust. I want to find someone that will like me for me, and maybe an outer attraction. I want a good life... some happiness. What I go through right now, is just total insanity, and most depression. I don't have a life. I want to leave this place, and start all over. I just want him back. But that's not happening any time soon. I can't just keep crying, and hurting myself over it. It just shows how much I really do love him... and how far I would go to have him back. But you know, I'm just not the person that anyone wants. And I don't keep to myself, I don't seclude myself from the world... okay, so I do sometimes. But I mean, I'm open to anyone who has to come up to me and say something. I just wish... that I had someone. I sit on my bed and look at the stars through my window... ALONE. I spend Holiday's ALONE. I take walks ALONE. There's never just... anyone by my side. Anyone as in a love-interest... Someone that I can give my heart to. Someone who is on the same level that I am. That's what he was. Perfect... Now, look what I am... Stupid.
I Wish I Was Beautiful...
to someone... Anyone... People just look at me and shiver or something... they don't like me 'cos I'm not beautiful. But what if I have inner-beauty? Are you not going to get a chance to see that? ::Sigh:: He saw it. He liked me on the outside too. Now look where I am... Back to being Ugly...
I Want Him To See How Much I Really Do Love Him...
Not like he reads this thing anyway... Gosh, I'm Sorry. I don't know how many times I could say that to him... He still wouldn't love me like he used to. Did he ever love me though?! Or did he just tell me that 'cos he knew I was going to find out that he didn't love me?... Why am I so complicated. I really do love him. Really. But it doesn't matter. Somehow, my feelings just get crushed by everyone... when I tell them how I feel, it doesn't matter. Yeh... "Nothing really matters when we're gone..." When I cry, I cry about him. When I bleed, I bleed about him. I'm not a stalker, or a total nutcase. I'm just... in regret for being suck a DiCK.
I haven't bled in a while... Yeh... If you call some odd number of hours a while. I just want to go back to the day we met, and try everything again. Leave out the part where my mind goes haywire... This wasn't my fault. Something hit me... It wasn't my fault. But somehow, I blame myself. It's weird... In every situation, the person has the glory to say "Oh well, it's your fault Kate!" yeh... quite weird. ::tears up:: He just tells me "Don't dwell on the past Kate." But I can't... I'm not dwelling on the past... am I? I'm just regretting myself, and trying to show you how much I love you!!!!!!! ::sigh:: Why am I doing this? I know I'll never have a second chance...
This is goodbye for now...
Love,
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::And please take, this piece of my heart, and never let it go:: |
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| ::Entry Four ¤ Not so little "You and I" anymore:: |
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| 04:27pm 05/07/2003 |
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mood: crushed music: Best Interest- "Lost"
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Well, I'm home... Hope you all had a good 4th of July... mine was okay I guess. Except the fact that I had a total breakdown... Then during that my mom made me feel like nothing... yeh... so much fun {sarcasm}... I'm really upset... LONLINESS IS BAD! But, it's my life now I guess. My Uncle Rick, Aunt Tammy, Jenn and I played a game for points. We could pull a prank (unexpectedly) on someone (who was playing the game), and the person who pulled the prank would get a point. So Jenn, Uncle Rick, Aunt Tammy and I were all hanging outside in the darkness with my Uncle Bill. Jenn is dipping her hand in candle wax and throwing it on everyone... this was pretty funny. Well then, she threw some into my Uncle Bill's hands. He ran after me with it, didn't touch me with wax, then I trip over some wood and go flying into the air by the stairs of the deck... OUCH! But it was funny. I leaned up screaming "POINT FOR ME!" and laid back down to laugh. Then my uncle said "Here let me help you up" and rubbed wax all over my face and arms. Dude, this was funny!! Sure as hell cheered me up. And my Uncle Bill wasn't even in this game, and it was soo great! heh... But anyway... So then, I got up to go inside and wash this wax-shit off myself, and my Aunt Tammy comes out with a LOADED (keep in mind) watergun and shoots the hell outta me. haha, I was soaking wet. This was around like... 1o:3o at night. So then, I finally go in and change into pajama's. Then the five of us go sit outside and talk about various, interesting things... it was a blast though. I absolutely love my Aunt Tammy, Uncle Rick, and Uncle Bill. So yeh... West Virginia was fun... But I'm so sad... I wrote two songs up there. One is called "War Against Yourself" and the other is "Dark Emo Song." I'm going to post them on here... yeh.
"Dark Emo Song"'
"Why do you waste life away?
There's nothing more to say.
The pressure's deep inside,
are we all left to die?
To take another step,
would lead me closer to fade.
To take a different path,
would leave you in the dark.
Turn out the light,
and call it a night.
Dream that you're flying,
yet you've lost flight.
Poison the goddess,
and feel all the monsters inside.
Just wake up alive and firm,
and try not to cry.
Why do I talk to you,
you'll never understand.
What I'm going through,
they're making other plans.
Cut off my enemies,
and grasp what was found.
Don't understimate,
the dwellings underground.
Turn out the light,
and call it a night.
Dream that you're flying,
yet you've lost flight.
Poison the goddess,
and feel all the monsters inside.
Just wake up alive and firm,
and try not to cry.
Try not to cry...
Turn out the light,
and call it a night.
Dream that you're flying,
yet you've lost flight.
Poison the goddess,
and feel all the monsters inside.
Just wake up alive and firm,
and try not to cry."
War Against Yourself
"You, you're all alone.
Wondering if someone's going to find you.
Slice, through the skin that you call walls.
Wondering when this feeling will leave.
You live with guilt,
You're not yourself,
All you need is love...
Stop crying your soul away,
you're fighting yourself.
You bleed everyday,
you're fighting yourself.
Take all (of) your razors,
and throw them out the door.
Stop crying baby.
I, just know exactly how you feel.
You hate youself and want to end this pain.
Death, isn't always the answer.
When everyone around you cares,
and you don't want to see that.
Stop crying your soul away,
you're fighting yourself.
You bleed everyday,
you're fighting yourself.
Take all (of) your razors,
and throw them out the door.
Stop crying baby.
They hurt you inside,
and then you die.
We want to cry,
but we run and HIDE.
The thunder breaks,
a red balloon,
and then it's GoodBye...
You, you're all alone.
Wondering if someone's going to find you.
Slice, through the skin that you call walls.
Wondering when this feeling will leave.
Stop crying your soul away,
you're fighting yourself.
You bleed everyday,
you're fighting yourself.
Take all (of) your razors,
and throw them out the door.
Stop crying baby."
So yeh, that's it. I miss Laura... :( I need to tell her what's going on... I'm so saaaaaaaaad. Bleh... so yeh, Thursday night was fun, hanging out with Jenn. I stopped by Laura's that night and gave her the mesh hat. Aw, she loved it. Right when she opened the bag, she pulled off the tag and just threw it on her head. Heh, she was happy she got one... yay ^_^ But yeh... In more news...
It's very hott here... I'm dying... Yeh, dying for more reasons than heat ::Sigh:: Someone help me, or save me... SoMeThInG... Why do people act like they care?! I mean... They never gave a shit before, so why the fuck are they doing it now?! And people just lie... and... ugh... ::tears:: it sucks. I cannot stop saying "I miss -"... yeh... it's just a dream now... Goodbye... ::Fades away::
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤'
::Last night I dreamt that you were here, I looked into your eyes which were never so clear:: |
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| ::Entry Three ¤ I'm Missing the Day we Met:: |
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| 11:48pm 03/07/2003 |
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mood: depressed music: Time Spent Driving- "Lowlight"
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"Make a list top ten regrets,
most foolish things said.
This is one time I let you go,
a story I'm sure you and I both know,
Feelings wont let go.
I'm having trouble spitting out,
What's going through my head.
How I feel today,
the same as yesterday.
I wonder AnNiVeRsArY meant everything.
I can't stand to see,
Our feelings fade away.
Say hello now awkward pause,
And on your way to leaving me.
You were the best thing that I ever had,
and I want that back.
You were the best thing that I ever ever had,
I ever had.
Since we're on good terms,
Thanks for everything.
Another letter saved,
The one you wrote to me,
Asking if I go with you on Horsham day.
It's almost time to leave our anniversary,
Keep in mind it's picture time,
My smiling wasnt staged but anyway.
You were the best thing that I ever had,
and I want that back.
You were the best thing that I ever ever had,
I ever had.
Since we're on good terms,
Thanks for all the memories.
Thanks for everything.
You were the best thing that I ever had,
and I want it back.
You were the best thing that I ever had,
and I want it back once again..."
I'm starting to miss the day we met, and the day we kissed... I'm really going stir~crazy without you... Yeh... whatever.. it doesn't matter anymore... wow, I'm really emo right now... :::sigh:::
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::If I don't want to see you, it's 'cos it hurts too much. All this time spent wondering, if I was just a crutch:: |
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| ::Entry Two ¤ Not Alone Tonight:: |
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| 10:36pm 03/07/2003 |
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mood: lonely music: The Ataris- "So Long, Astoria"
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Hey... It's me again. Jenn is here. We're being stupid again. So yeh, I stopped at Laura's house and gave her the mesh hat. She pulled it out, and loved it. Heh, she loves it. I love her!! Heh, she's my buddy. Her and Sean are cute together... aww ::Tears:: Sean's a good guy though. She can do good with him ^_^ So yeh... I am very tired, and ready to leave tomorrow. :::Can't Wait::: Jenn keeps saying something about "furry happy bunny's" or something heh. Black Makeup rawks. I am going to load some on my eyes tonight... heh and see what it looks like. :::Thinks::: How do I use this eye~liner anyway?! I never quite figured it out... :::Sigh::: LOAD IT ON BITCH! Heh... Alright, well I am going to go now I guess... Goodnight. I'll be back later. ~*Happy Birthday Laura*~
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::These ruins of rememberance, are just like shipwrecks:: |
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| ::Entry One ¤ Hello Shitty America:: |
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| 06:39am 03/07/2003 |
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mood: depressed music: Something Corporate- "I Want to Save You"
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"Do we know how to get the message across?
We turn the lights off to find a way out.
It's hard to get through to grasp what was lost,
Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark.
Hey, I'm pleading,
my soul is bleeding.
I don't want to be left alone,
not when I'm right next to you.
What are you thinking?
It's so misleading.
Is it not for me to know,
I think it's just hard for you to show.
We never spoke in the words that we want,
We turn the lights off to find a way out.
We've never chosen to keep what we've got,
Don't turn the light off and leave me in the dark.
Hey, I'm pleading,
my soul is bleeding.
I don't want to be left alone,
not when I'm right next to you.
What are you thinking?
It's so misleading.
Is it not for me to know,
I think it's just hard for you to show.
I thought it would be nice to lie down and close my eyes.
It never occurred to me that I am already asleep.
Don't be the one to be let go
Don't be the one to be alone
Hey, I'm pleading,
my soul is bleeding.
I don't want to be left alone,
not when I'm right next to you.
What are you thinking?
It's so misleading.
Is it not for me to know,
I think it's just hard for you to show."
I just got home from my counselor meeting... It was alright. I came home and masking taped my glasses :::dork effect::: This is my new journal~thing now... I mean, I like xanga and all... But Yeh. Later I have to talk to Laura and go to her freaking house. I'm excited to finally see her again... yeh. Jenn has to come over, so we can leave tomorrow morning! :::Must get DDR in, before we leave::: I had a major mood swing in the car. Before we left, I was so happy, then I died down and got really upset... then... I was just totally angry. I got into the counselor office, and was perfectly fine. Then on the way home, I listened to "Points of Authority" by Linkin Park, and got so angry again. My sister always tries to enlighten the mood... She is soo happy... I envy her happiness... ::sigh:: I envy her life.
¤ Damaged ¤ Vacancy ¤
::I need you, to save me too:: |
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damagedvacancy's journal